Alone.

Do you know what abandonment is? Have you ever felt the aching loneliness, the sadness in your heart, by the brimming of your tears or the pain in your insides? When you feel like an utter waste of space. A meaningless annoyance in the life of others. When you already know that nobody cares whether you live or not. Whether you are safe and happy and loved. Wanted. Needed.

I supposed that is what it all actually boils down to. Whether I feel like I make a difference, that I matter, that someone thinks I’m special enough to talk to me, as opposed to whether I feel like a piece of trash.

Have you ever felt that way? I doubt it.

It’s about time.

So, becoming a world famous writer/journalist is definitely not as easy as it seems. Especially after I found out that the story I sent in to the children’s newspaper was accepted but not printed because being the genius that I am, I left out my address. And phone number.

And then when the editor asks me for it, I don’t find out until 3 months later because I absolutely refuse to check my email regularly.

And who was the most affected by this news? My sister. She kept saying, “Aww, Salehaaaaa. Aww, SAAAALEEEEEHAAA.”

Yes, we get it, Aapa. -____-

In other news I performed in my school’s annual drama event and I was so so so happy! Forget the fact that I was crying every two days because the stress of the performance coupled with my studies, dramatic friends and new forbidden crush (who was alot nearer than you can imagine) was too much for me. But it’s times like these when you find out who your real friends are, no?

On the phone:

Quite Old Close Friend: Saleha, are you crying?

Saleha: Nooooooooo.

QOCF: Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?

Saleha: *breaks down crying*

QOCF: Okaaay, then. I’m going to go eat food. I’ll see ya tomorrow!

Saleha: I hate you. Don’t come.

And I meant it. I mean, who does that? When your friend’s bawling on the phone before the night of the performance, she obviously has some sory of problem. But nooooo. Little Miss I-Dont-Deal-With-Emotions-Because-They’re-Weird didn’t care about her “10 year friendship”.

Whatever. I’ve learnt to accept that some people just cant deal with problems like those. It’s too much for their happy-go-lucky life. Just know, next time you’re thinking of cutting yourself, don’t message me.

I’m just kidding, man. You know who you are.

I just don’t get why it’s so hard to talk about these issues and say anything that is even remotely serious. Or something that actually matters.

But luckily the friends who you can talk to about anything, help you through those times. Thanks. You know who you are. So I guess I just divide them into groups in my mind.

And that also brings me to the fact that I’ve accepted that I am not going to be in a specific group in school. It’s just too hard to limit my friends and plus, some people are just EVIL. And in the course of a lifetime it really doesn’t matter whether I was in a group or not. Because I have friends that love me and I hang out with them and that’s all that really matters.

P.S: My computer restarted in the middle of writing this blog because I pushed a random button while raving madly. Then I died. But then I found out WordPress saves drafts. Did I ever tell you how much I love you?

Why?

She looked up at the sky and as the sound of the ever present cars rushing by surrounded her, she breathed in the cold air and wondered why she was standing here.

Who was she? Where did she come from and why was she here?

What is a soul? Or a human? Did we create this world in our mind and we rush on and on, going from one thing to the next and too busy in life to wonder what it is about, what these patterns of life we have created are really about.

Or are we too numb to understand, this is not real?

The star-filled canopy made her raise her head in wonderment for a long, curious time before so came to her senses (or lost them again) and hurried down the stairs to her house to forget her revelation.

Monsoon

The gentle moving hand of the wind
Sweeps its wings to the ground
Sifting the earth so even the children can feel
What is under their bare feet
Black blends with white
Like the greatest artist blotting the canvas
Which is the sky
Drums beat high above in the heavens
To join the people as they rejoice
The atmosphere is still
No one dares breathe
Until the first of the raindrops
Leave the embrace of the clouds
And finally let go to meet the welcome land.

I wrote it myself.

It reminds me of monsoon in Pakistan. The smell of the shifting earth, the grey sky and the cool wind in my face. I love  sandstorms the most.

 

Classroom Fantasy.

Our little random conversations.

She tried to stop me from revising. Like I was going to anyways.  :P I love our little random conversations about our dream guys comprising of suits and nice perfume. We have very similar ideas of them ideal boys but it serves as a huge distraction when we’re trying to study.

The blue ink is her. The pencil is me.

DUH.

I love talking in class while trying to escape the wary eyes of the ever talking teacher. Once we got caught passing notes. Weird notes. It was not pretty.

 

2010 was so last year.

My title’s pretty lameass. I just copied it from someone.

But I must say, 2010, despite the heightening insecurity, loneliness, bouts of uncertainty, those 365 days went pretty well. I learnt so much about myself and even though there’s a long way to go, I’m still happy with who I am.

After an explosive 2009 with many fights, backbiting and plain mean-ness which I never want to revisit, I learnt to find my place in my class and group of friends. Moving on to different groups and not being sure of where I fit in, I slowly learnt where I belong although it was a very difficult journey (thank you Kamini! You’re awesome) Some friends are always there and I love them for it.

So so so, with all that experience I decided to make my resolutions and hopefully I’ll follow through with them:

• Become English Sub-Editor of my school magazine Mashal: Please oh please oh please! I’ll pray for it everyday and I’ll do anything to get that post! I love literature and I want to go on to study it in college. Since I’m obsessed with getting into a really good college like Cambridge I HAVE to get this post. I’ll die if I don’t. I even have its badge from a former sub-editor (under my pillow) and I’m asking anyone and everyone for advice. PLEASE GOD PLEASE. It’s a really big deal.
• Get straight As: I must admit that our Pakistani society is especially centered on this and although I don’t think it’s very nice, I still want to do it. It’ll give me a sense of achievement and it’ll make my parents proud too. And let’s face it, I did NOT do well in the mid-terms. :/
• Finish translation of the Quran: I want to learn about it myself and make my own interpretation of Islam and understand it the best way I can. I think it’ll be really beneficial for me. Plus, it’ll help me defend Islam when them biased people try to say bad things about it.
• Finish learning piano: I must. I must. I must. After forcing my parents to buy me a big ass electric piano I seriously wanted to get started on it but… I admit I was very lazy. I don’t want them to lose faith in me so I’m learning it from the internet since my dad believes real musicians just “Do it.”
• Start blogging: I think it’ll help me improve my style of writing and just give me experience.
• Pray: As Muslims we’re supposed to pray 5 times a day. I want to feel pure.
• Get Amazon Kindle: I’m tired of the electricity going 5 times a day for an hour! How else shall I read my ebooks? It’s more like a wishlist item but still. It’s for 395 dollars (I think) which is approximately Rs. 11,000. (DAMN SKILLET.)
• Volunteer in a charity this summer: Preferably Edhi because I just love how he’s helped so many people without contacts or money. And he doesn’t even use any of the money for himself. Two pairs of clothes! TWO!
• Get highest in English Literature: What more can I say? I’m obsessed.

Here’s to a fantastic 2011. *fingers crossed*

 

Judge me. Please?

Ohhh, so this is how you write a blog. Heh.

I guess I should explain my user name. It’s quite simple. My teacher told me to write a blog to “improve my writing style” and to invite the whole class to read it. Pshhhhh. As if! Not yet. I can’t deal with the “ohmygod!” faked sentiments from teenage girls telling me how much they love this when actually they wish they could turn those itty bitty <3 signs on Facebook to obscene swear words.

God, I hate backstabbers.

I hope some really idiotic, bigoted sonova***** is reading this, wondering, “why is this girl talking about Facebook? She should be cursing the Taliban since she’s so obviously oppressed. I bet she writes under a veil because she’s a Muslim. ’cause I know ALL about Muslims ’cause I saw me some CNN.”

Eff you. Just eff you.

I want to spend all of my time writing about how we are completely different from what the media portrays us as, but that would be pretty stupid. Considering everyone thinks they know best.

This website is so confusing that I don’t know what to do. But I guess I’ll get over that.

I think best friends are over rated. And stupid cliques. I want to fit in.

Infidel.

HAHAHAAAAA.

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